She drove me to drink; it's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
-- W.C. Fields
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac.
-- George Carlin
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name".
-- Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
-- Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll
clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-- Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken
place.
-- Johnny Carson
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
-- George Lindsey
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel
